siempre hablo la verdad

the truth. la verdad. la verité. it becomes even more abstract when spoken in another language. i saw the truth on a mans shirt today. then a boy with dreads called me a relativist. According to the wikipedia definition, "the term often refers to truth relativism, which is the doctrine that there are no absolute truths, i.e., that truth is always relative to some particular frame of reference, such as a language or a culture." So, no absolute truths?

my definition of truth: truth is an abstraction for what nobody knows. cant my definition of truth be an absolute truth? and can my abstraction of truth turn into a reality? "for when our architectural instinct drivers us to ferret out the patterns in our experience, along with the shapes we impose on it, we all at once find ourselves in the midst of timeless forms...we are speaking terms with the infinite, and remote from daily care while caring passionately to understand the play of these forms, which in turn make sense of the world around and within us."

"Who cares? We do."

I do.

i thought i found truth in a boy today, but then he left my side to talk of nothingness. and to me, he lost it. i thought about the world hes made and the world ive made and how our worlds dont relate but exist in the same world we didnt make. and then i thought about how much of our own worlds we actually created. then i wish we were worlds away from each other because he just makes me so sad.

flesh

the only thing that made sense to me is when she said our flesh doesnt work together. you said your flesh and her flesh repulsed each other like a negative charge to that of a positive. and i understood because my flesh has never mended well with the flesh of another, but i dont care. my flesh to his, his flesh to mine, meant nothing and means nothing. i want his mind to work with my mind, i want his thoughts to merge with mine, i want his love to fit my love, but it doesnt and it wont. flesh, that physical baggage that i am all at once disgusted by and proud of, tags along with me as does yours. they cant merge, that cant be one and would i even want that? would i sell my body to conform to the flesh, to the open arms, to the embrace, of a human being that cannot even appreciate my mind's inner workings. he doesnt know my instrinsic networkings. he doesnt like my non-linear arguments. he doesnt listen to my fears, to my doubts, to my rants, to my rage, but laughs and soothes them with vague, disposable, cliche words of i love you. fuck it all. the conversation is dry. the minds are of different worlds. and yes, the flesh comes together, and yes the flesh to his flesh feels secure, feels like love, feels like happiness. but my flesh to his is false because my mind to his, the wiring of our thoughts, is cut.

the only thing...

the only thing i know for sure about truth is that it is an abstraction for what i dont know. the only thing i know about love is that it can never be returned in the way in which i wish it to be returned. the only thing i know about love is that the only love you can count on is the love you grant to yourself. the only thing i know about beauty is that i didnt create it. it has been polished and invented and perhaps reinvented by the pollutants of society. the only thing i know about beauty is that it is only in the redefining and reassessing of beauty that true beauty is found. the only thing i know about hope is that it comes and goes as does faith. the only thing i know about hope is that it cannot be found within the limits and confines of literature and religion, but in the depths of human suffering, human relations, and human interaction. the only thing i know about faith is that it cant be given, not by religion, not by study, not by god, but by individual human will. the only thing i know is that 0 is 0 and 0 does not equal 1, but what is one and what is zero? the only thing i know is that i made nothing that i know, but the things i made and make i dont know. the only thing i know is that i understand my surroundings - someone else's creation - better than i understand the workings of my own mind. the only thing i know is that everything can be abstract, but at the same time concrete and it is left up to me to decide, if i ever do. the only thing i know of time is that it is infinite as is the universe. but the only reason i know that is because i believe it. the only thing i know this instant is that my body is made of molecules and atoms and nanoparticles, which are abstractions representing the parts that make me, which is an abstraction for my existence here in this world, which i have abstracted.

to a boy i once knew, but dont know now, nor will ever...

if only i could let you know about all the beautiful things. i just want you to know. i see things in you that make me so happy. i see good. it would be impossible not to see good --- everyone has it. its the decision of the possessor to harvest that good and make it grow. im disgusted by the notion that there are people placed here on this earth who will do good things, who will have a good life, who will be good people…and right beside them exists the “nothings”. its silly to believe that people are either inherently good or bad, inherently talented or stupid. talent is not innate. talent is not the birth right of a select few, but rather its achieved through vigilance, curiosity, perseverance, and questioning. those who are “talented” had the aptitude for greatness, and they fulfilled that potential greatness through their own will. the “nothing”, the “nobody”, had the same aptitude for greatness, but did not fulfill their potential for whatever reason. not to say the reason isn’t legitimate, for i believe many are. however, the legacy of labeling in society, one being the act of placing levels of intelligence on human beings, limits our minds and frees the “untalented” from taking responsibility of their mind’s potential to imagine and learn and question and conclude. a human being naturally questions. a human being naturally seeks out a conclusion to a problem. a human being naturally imagines. if deemed “untalented”, a human being will lose that desire to question knowing that their questions possess no substance, no purpose. if deemed stupid, a human being will no longer seek to arrive at a human conclusion believing themselves unable to generate a fruitful deduction. if deemed a “nobody”, a human being will not imagine, will not let their minds wander to abstract areas, questionable areas, dark areas because they are scared of the cloudiness and discomfort of not knowing. when told you don’t know something, that you are stupid, that you are incapable of depth, analysis, and conclusion, the last thing you want to do is go venturing into the unknown because there you will believe its true ---there you will find your self helpless and unknowing. there you will not know what an irrational number really is, you will not understand why 5 x 4 equals 4 x 5, you will not know why the limit goes to 0 but never touches it. ambiguity will reinstate your label of “nothing” and cut you off from further excursions into the unknown. and how sad! the beauty of not knowing may very well lead you to a new ideas, which when combined with other ingredients, leads to a new insight. and each insight, i think, no matter how small or insignificant to others, is beautiful because you came upon that insight on your own thinking. i hate how people say “this is how it is”, it’s a “law”, a “rule”, a “fact”. its as if its so obvious, so clear, so transparent --- if questioned or not understood, well you must be stupid. but what is law, rule, and fact took someone years of thinking and questioning and imagining to come by. we undervalue that time. we don’t appreciate that thinking. and how can we just accept law, fact, and rule. rarely anything is or at least is as it seems, but we are driven to memorize, categorize, compartmentalize and accept knowledge so we can regurgitate it without really understanding. my mind often feels like a computer, filled with numbers, proofs, facts, equations, formulas, schedules but drained of all insight, imagination, iconoclasm and beauty. Why? i don’t want to be a computer. i want to be free thinking. and the last thing i want is to be called smart or talented or gifted or privileged. the last thing i want is for that man eating out of a garbage to be viewed as less than me because as humans we have equal potential. and whos to say i wouldn’t be eating out of the same garbage? why am i not? and would i really be any less human if i were? hes good. hes beautiful. hes human. he has an aptitude for greatness, for genius, but has not yet had the opportunity to fulfill it, and may never, but it doesn’t make him any less. i just wish i could show him as i wish i could show you. you hold so much potential. you are unique as everyone is. and i only wish you would arrive at something brighter, bolder, and more beautiful because right now, your wasting away the potential. im not judging, im not condemning. because i know there are parts of myself that are wasting away too. and i hope that no one passes judgment on me, but that if someone sees good in me, if someone sees some part of me that i can better fulfill, it is my hope they would tell me. it is my hope to live up to my highest potential, as it should be yours. its so easy to shut down, so easy to accept…just don’t please.