back home...

first off, i miss writing my blog. second, i miss reading katie and jen's blogs. third, i have been existing on pure boredom for over 72 hours. the highlights of these last hours have been 1) the bobcat i saw on a 3 mile run and the mountain lion tracks i saw on a second run 2) the kickass omelets i made for dinner 3) the 12 episodes of sex and the city i endured 4) deciding what running watch to buy 5) sitting in the hot tub for 2 hours...

two weeks ago i would have died for this kind of boredom and for the little joys that come with boredom. but man, im almost ready to open a math text book or something. okay, goals for tomorrow would be:

1) human interaction
2) longer run on a less secluded, less wild animal populated trail or recruit someone to run with me...i hate that i fear nature so much...
3) wow...i cant think of anything else proving my case that this town is a storage unit of boredom

power in terms of intermolecular forces

after break ups, or even before, someone in the relationship has the upper hand. i like to think of this power trip in terms of intermolecular forces, specifically induced dipole moments. an induced dipole moment involves the movement of electrons to another atom which in turn give that atom more electronegativity or negative charge. the atom from which the electrons came, is more positively charged or less electronegative as a result. the more positive electron is electron deficient, while the more negative electron is electron efficient. the electron efficient atom is happy, is smooth sailin', has the upper hand. while the electron deficient atom wants the electrons back, wants the power back. it will come back when another induced dipole ensues. the charges move randomly around the atoms. what a beautiful way to think of power. power is not tangible, not everlasting. its a phase and its a silly thing to thrive on because it changes with each rotation or stress or transformation. its such a shortlived process and a scary state of being because you are scared to lose it. you are scared to be wtihout control. you are scared to be instable. but being scared is normal. being electron deficient is normal. while it may not be an ideal state, it is a functional one and a humbling one. the greatest things to be learned are those things that happen on a molecular/atomic scale. this level of life is so small, but so telling.

if i were to be any atom i'd be francium - the least electronegative atom. the poor guy craves electrons, but hes still making it. while flourine, up there in the corner, is hoarding all the electronegative charge. what a whore. to have all the power is dangerous. thats probably why F can be so toxic in a halide reaction with alkenes (tangent).

i dont understand

i dont understand. you. me. us. i dont understand what i did, what i said, why im crying. should i understand? i dont understand why i live my life to understand what cannot be known or explained. i think i can feel it. i think i felt it. i think feeling is understanding, but im greedy and seek to know more than just feelings. i think. i dont understand why im so afraid to be alone. i dont understand why im afraid to be with you. i dont understand love, but i feel it. i felt it, but feelings dont sustain my logic. feelings dont guide my decisions and maybe they should. if i understood love maybe i could do it better. if i understood that it is not about understanding, but about loving, maybe i could do it better. if i could forget about today, about time, about life, and just lived it maybe i could be happier. its the analyzing that succeeds. its the analyzing that makes me unhappy. i dont understand how you could be empty when im so full of sadness and hurt. i dont understand how i could even consider my feelings. why cant i just brush them off? they are not real, they are not real, this is not real, love is not real, but it is and they are...real. i dont understand what you feel. if you feel. this life is comprised of so much i cant comprehend and i panic. i panic. i cant hold it together and i dont understand why. am i too young? am i too immature? am i too intense? am i too emotional? what am i? i dont know. i dont even understand myself and maybe thats the problem. the thing that i feel is broken and lost and scared. above all, i feel stupid. i dont understand it and dont wish to because its too much. its beyond me and my control and my understanding and my life. i feel exhausted with grief and tears, but i dont care about making meaning of them because i cant. it is lost. i lost it. and i dont understand where it went and why it went away.

off

on
the blood is leaking
the baby in the making
the water is breaking
the body is raping
the hand is jacking
off

on
the time is running
the hands are gunning
the heart stops pumping
the naked are bumping
the soul is jumping
off

on
the greed is soaring
the fingers are exploring
the eyes try ignoring
the lips are smiling
the people start dying
off

off

off

sorry im not home right now...

im walkin' threw the spider webs. a picture from an extemporaneous hiking excursion my sister and i took. to: cascade creek - a little spot of peace, solitude, and lonliness. unpopulated, quiet, scary. never felt so cut off from human interaction and activity. freedom.

all i know...

is that i know nothing and maybe its better and more beautiful that way. maybe.

i try

im trying to build foundations - foundations onto which i can build. im trying to stimulate my mind. im trying to cultivate knowledge - pure, enjoyable, unforgettable, indispensable knowledge. im trying to discover truth - truth in god, truth in a higher being, truth in love, truth in human beings. im trying to differentiate between romantic love and essential love and trying to recognize the beauty in unconditional love. im trying to be a tender, but tough woman who lives not the life of an oppressed victim, but the life of a powerful, in control being. im trying not to be jealous, not to be envious, or greedy, but to appreciate the lot i have been blessed with, the time i have been granted, even despite time's contraints and finite nature. im trying to disregard your flaws and put mine into light, because so often i put my faults in the dark because they are hard to face. im trying to have empathy, not sympathy, to treat the crippled and the abled the same, the black and the white the same, the mentally challenged and the gifted (if that label exists) the same, but society has taught me to do different. but i try. im trying to see time like i saw it as a child. where a year seemed so big - 365 days back then was a big number. im trying to see life through the eyes of my inner child, who thought the moon was a balloon, and who really to say it isnt? im trying to be the child who thought the bucket the equivalent of a toilet. im trying to gain back that imaginative nature where everything was so luminous and lively and lovable and all the positives outweighed the negatives - negatives that were so insignifant and are still so insignificant. im trying to not wallow in depression but wade in waters of beauty and peace and serentity and clarity. im trying to see beyond myself because i am so small, but despite my size in this infinite universe im trying to see that im a piece of matter that matters. im trying not to see life as this big shopping spree where i shop around for knowledge, picking and choosing, buying and throwing away...bringing in this influx of knowledge only to leave me overwhelmed with not knowing. im trying to be okay with not knowing and be content with knowing that not knowing can be more beautiful that knowing. im trying to fight off my brutality, my vulgarity, and replace it with qualities or morality and piety...why are those things so outdated anyway? im trying not to see what you call fundamental, fundamental or what you call law, law. im trying to come about my own fundamentals, my own laws in my own way so that they mean something more...i want to make them my own. im trying to not see a line as a line, because what is a line anyway? and if i dont understand what makes up a line, how am i to comprehend a triangle, rectangle, octagon, etc? im trying to be happy, but a happiness that is not derived from material goodness. im trying to do all this, but i humbly accept the fact that i cannot at this moment fulfill that which will take me a lifetime and possibly beyond that to fulfill. i am nineteen and in my nineteen years of inexperience i laugh at myself for trying to accomplish so much with so little a life behind me and so much a life ahead of me, i hope. but for now, im trying to not be crushed by her harsh words, the slam of the door, the lonely girl in the corner, the tear rolling down his face, the girl he met who was better, the way he manipulated me, the way she used me, the friends that are worse than enemies - all the upsetting, unnerving, unforgettable, and unforgivable factors that comprise a good life. i try rather to laugh at the cat attacking the sea shell on my chest, the boy who said i had a nice belly button, the best friend that disgustingly appreciates cher and whitney houston, and the time that i ripped my pants down the center in dancing to music that was horribly satisfying. i try not to disguise my sufferings, but develop and demand solutions. my solution to laugh, be laughed at...to love, be loved...and to feel confident in that mouthful of cliches :)

siempre hablo la verdad

the truth. la verdad. la verité. it becomes even more abstract when spoken in another language. i saw the truth on a mans shirt today. then a boy with dreads called me a relativist. According to the wikipedia definition, "the term often refers to truth relativism, which is the doctrine that there are no absolute truths, i.e., that truth is always relative to some particular frame of reference, such as a language or a culture." So, no absolute truths?

my definition of truth: truth is an abstraction for what nobody knows. cant my definition of truth be an absolute truth? and can my abstraction of truth turn into a reality? "for when our architectural instinct drivers us to ferret out the patterns in our experience, along with the shapes we impose on it, we all at once find ourselves in the midst of timeless forms...we are speaking terms with the infinite, and remote from daily care while caring passionately to understand the play of these forms, which in turn make sense of the world around and within us."

"Who cares? We do."

I do.

i thought i found truth in a boy today, but then he left my side to talk of nothingness. and to me, he lost it. i thought about the world hes made and the world ive made and how our worlds dont relate but exist in the same world we didnt make. and then i thought about how much of our own worlds we actually created. then i wish we were worlds away from each other because he just makes me so sad.

flesh

the only thing that made sense to me is when she said our flesh doesnt work together. you said your flesh and her flesh repulsed each other like a negative charge to that of a positive. and i understood because my flesh has never mended well with the flesh of another, but i dont care. my flesh to his, his flesh to mine, meant nothing and means nothing. i want his mind to work with my mind, i want his thoughts to merge with mine, i want his love to fit my love, but it doesnt and it wont. flesh, that physical baggage that i am all at once disgusted by and proud of, tags along with me as does yours. they cant merge, that cant be one and would i even want that? would i sell my body to conform to the flesh, to the open arms, to the embrace, of a human being that cannot even appreciate my mind's inner workings. he doesnt know my instrinsic networkings. he doesnt like my non-linear arguments. he doesnt listen to my fears, to my doubts, to my rants, to my rage, but laughs and soothes them with vague, disposable, cliche words of i love you. fuck it all. the conversation is dry. the minds are of different worlds. and yes, the flesh comes together, and yes the flesh to his flesh feels secure, feels like love, feels like happiness. but my flesh to his is false because my mind to his, the wiring of our thoughts, is cut.

the only thing...

the only thing i know for sure about truth is that it is an abstraction for what i dont know. the only thing i know about love is that it can never be returned in the way in which i wish it to be returned. the only thing i know about love is that the only love you can count on is the love you grant to yourself. the only thing i know about beauty is that i didnt create it. it has been polished and invented and perhaps reinvented by the pollutants of society. the only thing i know about beauty is that it is only in the redefining and reassessing of beauty that true beauty is found. the only thing i know about hope is that it comes and goes as does faith. the only thing i know about hope is that it cannot be found within the limits and confines of literature and religion, but in the depths of human suffering, human relations, and human interaction. the only thing i know about faith is that it cant be given, not by religion, not by study, not by god, but by individual human will. the only thing i know is that 0 is 0 and 0 does not equal 1, but what is one and what is zero? the only thing i know is that i made nothing that i know, but the things i made and make i dont know. the only thing i know is that i understand my surroundings - someone else's creation - better than i understand the workings of my own mind. the only thing i know is that everything can be abstract, but at the same time concrete and it is left up to me to decide, if i ever do. the only thing i know of time is that it is infinite as is the universe. but the only reason i know that is because i believe it. the only thing i know this instant is that my body is made of molecules and atoms and nanoparticles, which are abstractions representing the parts that make me, which is an abstraction for my existence here in this world, which i have abstracted.

to a boy i once knew, but dont know now, nor will ever...

if only i could let you know about all the beautiful things. i just want you to know. i see things in you that make me so happy. i see good. it would be impossible not to see good --- everyone has it. its the decision of the possessor to harvest that good and make it grow. im disgusted by the notion that there are people placed here on this earth who will do good things, who will have a good life, who will be good people…and right beside them exists the “nothings”. its silly to believe that people are either inherently good or bad, inherently talented or stupid. talent is not innate. talent is not the birth right of a select few, but rather its achieved through vigilance, curiosity, perseverance, and questioning. those who are “talented” had the aptitude for greatness, and they fulfilled that potential greatness through their own will. the “nothing”, the “nobody”, had the same aptitude for greatness, but did not fulfill their potential for whatever reason. not to say the reason isn’t legitimate, for i believe many are. however, the legacy of labeling in society, one being the act of placing levels of intelligence on human beings, limits our minds and frees the “untalented” from taking responsibility of their mind’s potential to imagine and learn and question and conclude. a human being naturally questions. a human being naturally seeks out a conclusion to a problem. a human being naturally imagines. if deemed “untalented”, a human being will lose that desire to question knowing that their questions possess no substance, no purpose. if deemed stupid, a human being will no longer seek to arrive at a human conclusion believing themselves unable to generate a fruitful deduction. if deemed a “nobody”, a human being will not imagine, will not let their minds wander to abstract areas, questionable areas, dark areas because they are scared of the cloudiness and discomfort of not knowing. when told you don’t know something, that you are stupid, that you are incapable of depth, analysis, and conclusion, the last thing you want to do is go venturing into the unknown because there you will believe its true ---there you will find your self helpless and unknowing. there you will not know what an irrational number really is, you will not understand why 5 x 4 equals 4 x 5, you will not know why the limit goes to 0 but never touches it. ambiguity will reinstate your label of “nothing” and cut you off from further excursions into the unknown. and how sad! the beauty of not knowing may very well lead you to a new ideas, which when combined with other ingredients, leads to a new insight. and each insight, i think, no matter how small or insignificant to others, is beautiful because you came upon that insight on your own thinking. i hate how people say “this is how it is”, it’s a “law”, a “rule”, a “fact”. its as if its so obvious, so clear, so transparent --- if questioned or not understood, well you must be stupid. but what is law, rule, and fact took someone years of thinking and questioning and imagining to come by. we undervalue that time. we don’t appreciate that thinking. and how can we just accept law, fact, and rule. rarely anything is or at least is as it seems, but we are driven to memorize, categorize, compartmentalize and accept knowledge so we can regurgitate it without really understanding. my mind often feels like a computer, filled with numbers, proofs, facts, equations, formulas, schedules but drained of all insight, imagination, iconoclasm and beauty. Why? i don’t want to be a computer. i want to be free thinking. and the last thing i want is to be called smart or talented or gifted or privileged. the last thing i want is for that man eating out of a garbage to be viewed as less than me because as humans we have equal potential. and whos to say i wouldn’t be eating out of the same garbage? why am i not? and would i really be any less human if i were? hes good. hes beautiful. hes human. he has an aptitude for greatness, for genius, but has not yet had the opportunity to fulfill it, and may never, but it doesn’t make him any less. i just wish i could show him as i wish i could show you. you hold so much potential. you are unique as everyone is. and i only wish you would arrive at something brighter, bolder, and more beautiful because right now, your wasting away the potential. im not judging, im not condemning. because i know there are parts of myself that are wasting away too. and i hope that no one passes judgment on me, but that if someone sees good in me, if someone sees some part of me that i can better fulfill, it is my hope they would tell me. it is my hope to live up to my highest potential, as it should be yours. its so easy to shut down, so easy to accept…just don’t please.