off

on
the blood is leaking
the baby in the making
the water is breaking
the body is raping
the hand is jacking
off

on
the time is running
the hands are gunning
the heart stops pumping
the naked are bumping
the soul is jumping
off

on
the greed is soaring
the fingers are exploring
the eyes try ignoring
the lips are smiling
the people start dying
off

off

off

sorry im not home right now...

im walkin' threw the spider webs. a picture from an extemporaneous hiking excursion my sister and i took. to: cascade creek - a little spot of peace, solitude, and lonliness. unpopulated, quiet, scary. never felt so cut off from human interaction and activity. freedom.

all i know...

is that i know nothing and maybe its better and more beautiful that way. maybe.

i try

im trying to build foundations - foundations onto which i can build. im trying to stimulate my mind. im trying to cultivate knowledge - pure, enjoyable, unforgettable, indispensable knowledge. im trying to discover truth - truth in god, truth in a higher being, truth in love, truth in human beings. im trying to differentiate between romantic love and essential love and trying to recognize the beauty in unconditional love. im trying to be a tender, but tough woman who lives not the life of an oppressed victim, but the life of a powerful, in control being. im trying not to be jealous, not to be envious, or greedy, but to appreciate the lot i have been blessed with, the time i have been granted, even despite time's contraints and finite nature. im trying to disregard your flaws and put mine into light, because so often i put my faults in the dark because they are hard to face. im trying to have empathy, not sympathy, to treat the crippled and the abled the same, the black and the white the same, the mentally challenged and the gifted (if that label exists) the same, but society has taught me to do different. but i try. im trying to see time like i saw it as a child. where a year seemed so big - 365 days back then was a big number. im trying to see life through the eyes of my inner child, who thought the moon was a balloon, and who really to say it isnt? im trying to be the child who thought the bucket the equivalent of a toilet. im trying to gain back that imaginative nature where everything was so luminous and lively and lovable and all the positives outweighed the negatives - negatives that were so insignifant and are still so insignificant. im trying to not wallow in depression but wade in waters of beauty and peace and serentity and clarity. im trying to see beyond myself because i am so small, but despite my size in this infinite universe im trying to see that im a piece of matter that matters. im trying not to see life as this big shopping spree where i shop around for knowledge, picking and choosing, buying and throwing away...bringing in this influx of knowledge only to leave me overwhelmed with not knowing. im trying to be okay with not knowing and be content with knowing that not knowing can be more beautiful that knowing. im trying to fight off my brutality, my vulgarity, and replace it with qualities or morality and piety...why are those things so outdated anyway? im trying not to see what you call fundamental, fundamental or what you call law, law. im trying to come about my own fundamentals, my own laws in my own way so that they mean something more...i want to make them my own. im trying to not see a line as a line, because what is a line anyway? and if i dont understand what makes up a line, how am i to comprehend a triangle, rectangle, octagon, etc? im trying to be happy, but a happiness that is not derived from material goodness. im trying to do all this, but i humbly accept the fact that i cannot at this moment fulfill that which will take me a lifetime and possibly beyond that to fulfill. i am nineteen and in my nineteen years of inexperience i laugh at myself for trying to accomplish so much with so little a life behind me and so much a life ahead of me, i hope. but for now, im trying to not be crushed by her harsh words, the slam of the door, the lonely girl in the corner, the tear rolling down his face, the girl he met who was better, the way he manipulated me, the way she used me, the friends that are worse than enemies - all the upsetting, unnerving, unforgettable, and unforgivable factors that comprise a good life. i try rather to laugh at the cat attacking the sea shell on my chest, the boy who said i had a nice belly button, the best friend that disgustingly appreciates cher and whitney houston, and the time that i ripped my pants down the center in dancing to music that was horribly satisfying. i try not to disguise my sufferings, but develop and demand solutions. my solution to laugh, be laughed at...to love, be loved...and to feel confident in that mouthful of cliches :)