flight

I am leaving tomorrow. I am leaving to go to a place I left recently – a place of familiarity, fondness and freedom. Here awaits friendships of substance, minds of masterful motion, and tasks undone and unimagined and mostly certainly undesired. Here awaits what I do not know, but I am grateful to not know. To survive an existence of stagnancy, to slumber in a summer of sadness and uncertainty, now makes this place shine sweetly. This place, in all its stress and structure, in all its selfish, motivated desire, now appears to me a sanctuary of the world’s insane turned sane by mere association. I long to return to this wild place I vowed to never return. I long to leave the place I yearned – the place called home, which sadly proved a cramped, unyielding cage for so flighty an indecisive and adventure-driven bird. I clipped my busy wings for a season and remained uncomfortably restless and wrought with thoughts of flight to some seducing piece of far away land inhabited with movement and forwardness. This mind game of engendering better than reality lasted not long, for depression and self-pity were more infectious and caught me in a torment of disgust and sorrow. I cried for a summer. I cried tearless cries. Pressure was released on my soul and I sank deep into haunted holes filled with unbeatable pasts, insuperable presents, and dim futures. I submitted to these underground nestings for I could not think of a way to leave them. I could not devise an escape plan, so I derived pleasure in pain. The feeling of being a little girl in a big world held no charm. Potentials became improbabilities. Hopes became hazards. The desire to conquer was crushed. My inner fight, the diligent networkings of my body and mind and their struggle to sustain, died. I cannot explain this alteration of soul and this sinking sensation nor can I explain the day I regained composure and realized with some regret that myself stripped me of my own meaning. I felt released and renewed by an inner mode of reassurance that I had lost amidst the abyss I entered; I am leaving that abyss now. I am leaving a place where questions, ambiguities and uneasiness cause me to lunge forward rather than jump back, hiding in fear of the real answers. I am leaving a place where I feast on addiction, becoming more ravenous and incontrollable with each binge. I am leaving a place of drugs and self-destruction. I am leaving a place of self-loathing and insecurity and discontinuing validation through promiscuity and callous complementation. I am leaving this place, with no intent to fall back on the comforts of being no one and caring for no one. To live, to return to the place I left, warms and revives my spirit and fills my soul with total satisfaction. I am leaving tomorrow to a place where my mind moves toward truth, where my body desires strength, where my heart seeks love, and my soul finds rejuvenation. To this place I will arrive thus leaving a place where I was but a crippled and angry bird so blindly attached to a dead place of no more flight. Home is no longer home, but when I leave tomorrow I go not home, for I have no home, but I return to place at least of flight.