i dont understand

i dont understand. you. me. us. i dont understand what i did, what i said, why im crying. should i understand? i dont understand why i live my life to understand what cannot be known or explained. i think i can feel it. i think i felt it. i think feeling is understanding, but im greedy and seek to know more than just feelings. i think. i dont understand why im so afraid to be alone. i dont understand why im afraid to be with you. i dont understand love, but i feel it. i felt it, but feelings dont sustain my logic. feelings dont guide my decisions and maybe they should. if i understood love maybe i could do it better. if i understood that it is not about understanding, but about loving, maybe i could do it better. if i could forget about today, about time, about life, and just lived it maybe i could be happier. its the analyzing that succeeds. its the analyzing that makes me unhappy. i dont understand how you could be empty when im so full of sadness and hurt. i dont understand how i could even consider my feelings. why cant i just brush them off? they are not real, they are not real, this is not real, love is not real, but it is and they are...real. i dont understand what you feel. if you feel. this life is comprised of so much i cant comprehend and i panic. i panic. i cant hold it together and i dont understand why. am i too young? am i too immature? am i too intense? am i too emotional? what am i? i dont know. i dont even understand myself and maybe thats the problem. the thing that i feel is broken and lost and scared. above all, i feel stupid. i dont understand it and dont wish to because its too much. its beyond me and my control and my understanding and my life. i feel exhausted with grief and tears, but i dont care about making meaning of them because i cant. it is lost. i lost it. and i dont understand where it went and why it went away.